If forced to name the one thing in all creation that could overthrow governments and terrorists, bring the internet down until the end of time and return civilization to the dark ages, I wouldn’t have to think long before answering, glitter.
Here’s how that would go. President Obama walks into a meeting with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and he’s all, “Want some glitter?”
Abu panics and screams, “Death to you infidels and your sparkling devil craft items!”
That’s when POTUS gives the signal. Every member of his posse reaches into their pixie dust filled pockets and starts blowing handfuls of every little girl’s dreams all over the enemy. Our nemesis screams and cries out! They are blinded by the glistening dust. It’s in their hair and beards and under their nails. They will never be free of it, ever. That’s when we take them.
Go a step further and imagine wars where explosives are in fact, filled with glitter. Hand grenades, bullets and bombs packed with shimmering mauves, pinks and metallics. Upon impact, rainbows of fairy joy fill the ethos, covering the ground and adhering to every surface they come in contact with for all perpetuity.
This is the kind of destruction that would cause the devolution of mankind. No one would leave their homes again to go to work or war until all those sparkling specks of crap were picked up. And as we know, that is impossible. Once freed of its confines, there is no cleaning up glitter, ever.
Yet we allow, even encourage our offspring to form a love for this destructive weapon. Fathers take their daughters to Michaels (without okaying it with the mothers first) and buy bushels of the stuff to decorate fairy houses. Then they arm them with glue and innocently encourage, “Have fun!”
It’s the beginning of the end, folks. We sell mankind’s most terrifying weapon everywhere. You don’t need to be eighteen to buy it. You don’t even need a note from your mother. Once the enemy realizes this, we are toast. That’s why we have to close down every commercial glitter factory in the country and turn them over to the military. It is our patriotic duty, yet I tremble to think of what comes next.
I plan on draining my 401K and investing all the money into Zoloft and other medications used to treat panic disorders. I plan to build a geodesic bubble around my house and property so when the glitter wars begin, I will be safe from the shimmering hell falling from the heavens. Yet I know this will never be enough. I too, will form a panic disorder and will be unable to care for my family. I will be lonely with no internet or interaction with humans outside my house. I will yearn for the dreary and drab days when every tree, bush and road weren’t twinkling at me in maniacal splendor.
There is one small chance we can avoid this horrific outcome and I will promote it until I draw my last breath. We must outlaw glitter. We must treat it as the dangerous and deadly weapon it is. I implore you, draw up petitions and circulate them throughout social media. #allthatglitters #abolishglitter #nomoreglitter #savetheplanetfromtheglitterwars
I know you all support me on this and I thank you. Together we may just be able to keep humanity on track.